I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
what day is it and did you see me today?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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