I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
