I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
