So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
