Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
