I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
