How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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