Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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