normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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