Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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