and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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