I smell stomach acid.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
