i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
