Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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