Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
