The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
