I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
