you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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