If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
