The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
