I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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