The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
