Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
