hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
