508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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