Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
