Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
