she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
