so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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