Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
