Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
