Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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