i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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