just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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