Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
