Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
