Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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