What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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