Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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