I puked a lego.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
