Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
