I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
