I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Acid is not a monday night drug
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
