Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
