if you like me you must not know who I am
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
