Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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