shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
