fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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