i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
