i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
